Hercules Gump
by Kommie
Summary: Hercules as a redneck? Yup. This play (skit, actually) explores his 12 tasks and how'd they be different if he were a modern-day redneck. I wrote it three years ago, and, looking back, I was even crazier then...


**Dramatis Personae (who them there folks are)**

  * Narrator- that there guy talkin'
  * Hercules Gump- our dim-witted hero
  * Joe-Bob Theseus- his best friend... somewhat of a hero also
  * Bartender- Ain't it obvious?
  * Bubba Eurystheus- mayor of the next town in the middle of nowhere, and cousin of Herc... but who isn't?
  * Oracle- knows just 'bout ever'thing
  * Ioalus- nephew, and likely cousin, of Herc
  * Atlas- guy who keeps the sky from fallin' on us... right useful
  * Athena- right helpful... and a real goddess at that
  * Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons... also, a supermodel by redneck standards
  * Jimbo Hades- Ruler of the Underworld... 'bout as hot there as El Paso in Springtime... not bad
    
    **Hercules Gump**
    
    **Scene 1**

_Hercules-_The name is Hercules...  
_Hercules-_...Hercules Gump.  
_Narrator-_Our story begins in Thebes...  
_Narrator-_...Georgia.  
_Narrator-_A extraordinarily strong (but not very bright) child is playing near his house.  
_Narrator-_ Hera, queen of the gods, detests him because Zeus, her husband, fathered Hercules. So, she sends a snake to kill him.  
_(hissing sounds, then a very dead snake)  
Hercules-_ Ooh! Look at the little squiggly thing. Oops! It died.

**Scene 2**

_Narrator- _Once again, Hera tries to destroy young Hercules's life.  
_Hercules-_Die! Die! Die! _(ad lib insanity)  
Hercules- _What have I done? I killed them! And I was just talking to them, and then...I need a drink.  
_(enter bar)  
Hercules-_Hit me again.  
_Bartender-_ You've already had 25. Are you trying to kill yourself?  
_Hercules- _Wouldn't mind it.  
_Bartender-_ Then before you go to Tartarus, pay your tab.   
_Hercules- _Here. Charge it.  
_Bartender- _Hey! Isn't that Joe-Bob Theseus?  
_Hercules-_Joe-Bob! Over here.  
_Theseus-_ Gimme a Dos Equis.  
_Bartender- _Sure thing.  
_Theseus-_Something wrong, Herc? You usually only drink 15 when you're here.  
_Hercules-(sarcastically)_ No, nothing's wrong...just killed my family...I think.  
_Theseus- _You think? Even someone as slow-witted as you should be able to figure that one out.  
_Hercules-_Yeah...One minute I was talking to them and the next, I had my 10 gauge in my hands and there was blood everywhere.  
_Theseus-_ You must've gone insane for a second. By the way, who were your folks?  
_Hercules-_ Zeus and Alcmena.  
_Bartender- _(suddenly interested) Zeus? You really are a redneck, aren't you?  
_Theseus-_(ignoring bartender) Possibly Hera, out of jealousy tried to do that. She gets kinda touchy at times.  
_Hercules-_ KINDA!?! You call that KINDA? Joe-Bob, what can I do, kill myself?  
_Theseus-_ Nope. Can't do that. Hero handbook, page 45, paragraph 3, subsection 4 says that would be the easy way out. As a hero, you can't do that. However, I can find some answers. Go to Delphi, Tennessee... there's an oracle there.

**Scene 3**

_Hercules- _ What can I do to get this off my mind?  
_Oracle-_ Go to your cousin, Bubba Eurystheus, and he will tell you. 

**Scene 4**

_(enter the "court" of Mayor Bubba)  
Bubba- _What can I do for yall?   
_Theseus- _Herc here has a problem.  
_Bubba- _What is it?  
_Hercules-_That there oracle told me to ask you how to clear my mind.  
_Bubba- _Well, there are about 12 major things that need doin' that nobody's gotten around to. (aside) If he gets 'em done, my name ain't Bubba Eurystheus.  
_Hercules-_Well, what's first?

**Scene 5**

_Bubba- _Well, first you need to kill a big old lion out yonder in Nemea.  
_Hercules- _I'll leave as soon as I get my shotgun and pickup.  
_Theseus- _Good luck, Hercules You're gonna need it.   
_(enter lion) (shoots It & nothing happens)  
Hercules- _Dang! This here shotgun ain't gonna hurt it. Just gotta strangle that oversized cat.  
_(yowling sounds, kills lion)  
_Here, Bubba. You coulda done that on your own. What's next?  
_Bubba- _Now kill the Lernian hydra.  
_Hercules- _Piece of cake. Just a six headed monster.   
_(enter hydra)  
(blows head off hydra; 2 grow back)  
_Dang it! They don't make shotguns like they used to.  
_Ioalus- _Here, Unc. This here fire, it hurts quite a bit.  
_(roasted Hydra... mmmm, my favorite)  
Hercules-_ Wow! It's hot. Take this, ugly! Hah! Where're your heads now?!? Oops, this one keeps a-chompin'. Better bury it.  
_(leave scene to go back to Bubba)  
_Hey Bubba, what's next, got anything hard?  
_Bubba-_ Yeah. I hear Artemis has this mighty fine bambi. It has some horns worth a lot of money.  
_Hercules- _Oh tay!  
_(struggling sounds)  
_Man, this thing won't stay still and mean old Bubba won't let me use my shotgun.  
_(more struggling sounds)  
_Gotcha! Now, ride 'em Bambi!  
_(captures deer and hauls it back to Bubba in the pickem up truck)  
Bubba- _Good! Lots of dinero for me...NONE FOR YOU!!! Now, I want a lot of bacon, so capture the Euromathus boar.   
_Hercules-_I'm on it.  
_(exit to a very cold place, wind blowin' and ever'thang...must not be in the South)  
_Wow! It's cold up here and my shotgun, old Betsy, died on me about a year ago.  
_(runs toward the boar, tackling it)  
_Here it comes...Bugga, Bugga, Boo! Gotcha now!  
_Bubba-_Wow. You're doin' good. Now clear the Augean stables. They really stink. Here, have a ham sandwich...you deserve it. You can use this brand spankin' new Reach toothbrush to do it with.  
_Hercules- _I don't need it. Zeus gave me hands for a reason.  
_(at the stables... an idea crosses his dim mind for once)  
_Hey, ain't there a river near here?  
_(diverts the river into the stables, cleaning it out)  
_I knew that those latrine cleaning classes would come in handy some day.  
Now what? Ya know I can't count, so we'd better be almost done with them twelve.  
_Bubba-_Now, drive some annoyin' birds away from the poor folks around there. But first, take a shower.  
_Hercules- _But I ain't taken one in years! Them there birds'll be gone 'fore you can start up yer pickup truck.  
_(engine noises, his truck ain't in the best a conditions; luckily, it stalls as he reaches where he's supposed to be)  
_Glad I got a new shotgun. This'll be just like huntin' ducks.  
_Athena-_Can I give you a hand, big boy? I'll drive 'em out and you shoot 'em.  
_(squaking, birds flapping their wings all over the place; shotgun shots like you wouldn't believe)  
Hercules-_Thanks a lot, ma'am. That sure was easy with your help.  
_(back to Bubba)  
_You gotta be runnin' out of ideas, Bubba.  
_Bubba _ Just gettin' started, Hercules... Go to Crete and capture Minos's prize bull.   
_Hercules- _But mah pickup don't go through water! I'm a-gonna have to take a ship out there, and I get seasick!  
_(sounds of a quick struggle, and some moo-cow sounds, even though it's a bull - hey, we're on budget here!)  
_That was simple...now I gotta get that bull through customs.  
_(sounds of stamping a passport, and a few threats; Herc shows the prize catch to Bubba)  
Bubba- _Now go capture the man-eating mares of Thrace.   
_Hercules- _Well, I'm right glad I got me a new horse trailer... and a tune-up.  
_(sounds of an argument and a shot... whinnying, and driving back... Herc really is rackin' up the miles, though the warranty on his truck is long overdue)  
_No problem...just had to kill Diomedes and take his horses.  
_Bubba-_Now go get a belt from some Amazon woman named Hippolyta.   
_Hercules- _Finally, a girl is involved in this!  
_(sounds of a pleasant dinner conversation... prob'ly over barbeque)  
_Hey there, Hippolyta, mind givin' me that there belt of yours.  
_Hippolyta- _No problem... why don't you stay awhile?  
_(ominous sounds, Hera talkin' to Hippolyta's folks)  
Hera-_ Psst! Amazons! He's gonna take your leader!  
_Amazons- _Woobie! Woobie! He bad! He die!  
_Hercules-_ You know...it's all your fault, Hippie! Now you have to die! _(sounds of dying... oh, fun) _You thought you were cool, but now you're dead!  
_(now laughing at Bubba somewhat)  
_Hey Bubba, you almost got me!  
_Bubba- _I will this time. Go take the monster Geryon's moo-cows.  
_Hercules- _Where's the beef?  
_Bubba-_ Erythia, near the end of that there big sea.  
_(ocean sounds, and only a little projectile vomiting)  
Hercules-_Whoa, these rocks are always gettin' in my way. (pushes them up, sounds of the earth movin'... literally) Wow, these rocks have names on 'em. Looks like "Gibralter" and "Ceuta".  
Here are the moo-cows...or Hera. Anyway, let's go. Whatcha gonna do with em, sell em to McDonalds?  
_(Bubba is quite agitated, because his evil plot isn't working)  
Bubba-_ Arggh! Next, the golden apples of Hephestus, which Atlas has.  
_Hercules-_Hmmm...more food... apple pies to go with them burgers?  
_(a journey to the end of the earth... Atlas is seen looking very bored, but scheming to get the earth off his hands, literally)  
_Hey, Atlas, how 'bout givin' me them there golden apples?  
_Atlas-_ Sure...just hold this here world for me for a bit.  
_(Herc picks up the earth, waitin' for Atlas's return)  
Hercules-_ Okay...just like gettin' my pickup truck outta the mud.  
_Atlas- _Since you're doin' so well, how 'bout holdin' that there world for much longer...fooled ya now... ha ha ha.  
_Hercules- _'Fore you go, why don't you carry it fer a sec so I can put this here pad on my shoulders, as I'm a-gonna have it here for awhile.  
_Atlas- _Okay. _(Picks the earth back up, Herc runs away w/ apples)_ Hey, what do you think you're doin'? I thought we had an agreement...If I didn't have the world on my back, I'd hit you so hard...  
_Hercules- _Hey, you're stupider than I am.  
_(counting on his fingers, runs out, uses a toe)  
_Okay, Bubba, last chance.  
_Bubba- _Now you gotta go to that there Tartarus and get that big ol' three-headed dog named Cerberus.  
_Hercules-_ A mutated mutt? No problem, Bubba. Just gotta convince old Jimbo Hades to let me.  
_(enter the reaches of the Underworld, such a pleasant place)  
_Hey, Jimbo Hades, mind if I take that there Cerberus on in a fight and take him to Mayor Eurystheus?  
_Hades-_ No problem...but you can't use old Betsy to take him on. And bring him back...mutated guard dogs are tough to find... and the prices??...don't ask.  
_Hercules-_ Here, Cerby...I got a nice steak for you if you come with me..._(Cerby growls)_...but hey...if I remember my hog tyin' lessons back on the ranch...yeah..._(yips are heard)_ you ain't so tough. _(remembers somethin')_ Oh yeah...Joe-Bob's stuck in some chair here that makes him forget...better go get him.  
_(unties Joe-Bob, returns to the earth)  
_Here, Bubba. The last one's done. Now I gotta take Cerby back...  
_Bubba-_ I.. uh... okay.

**Scene 6**

_(at the bar again)  
Theseus- _ Thanks for gettin' me away from that there chair of forgetfulness.  
_Hercules- _Sure thing...**what do you mean slow-witted?!?**

**Scene 7**

_Narrator-_ Hercules Gump went on to do many hero-type things. And, like any good redneck, he got married, killed a giant, killed his rivals, went to war, cheated on his wife, acted stupidly, and nearly died when she tried to give him a love potion, which happened to be like napalm. But, all things would not be Jerry Springer for our hero....  
_Hercules-_ Yup, that really hurt. So much that I asked them to burn me to kill me.   
However, I got things good. I got to marry Hebe and live in this here Olympus. Ain't that just great? 

* * *

A/N - Hey, I was even worse three years ago, when I wrote this... I know it's a little lacking in interesting action and not too structured, and you have to have some knowledge of Greek mythology to get anything out of it, but hey... The things you do for extra credit...


End file.
